


Afire Disconnection

by Otakuloser69



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Sexual Situations, Awkwardness, Bittersweet, Blood and Injury, Break Up, Depressing, Depression, Divorce, Domestic Disputes, Drinking, Drunk Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Gaslighting, Gun Violence, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Injury, M/M, One Night Stands, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Violence, Rough Sex, Sad, Stranger Sex, Threats of Violence, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-28 16:24:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10136612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Otakuloser69/pseuds/Otakuloser69
Summary: Yuuri Katsuki decides that continuing a broken marriage isn't worth it anymore but can't shake his anxiety over it nonetheless. Viktor Nikiforov has never felt so weak and finds himself indulging in his past tendencies again. They aren't sure how it came to be this way.Their divorce has an everlasting effect on everybody.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to do something a little more emotional, enjoy!<3  
> (Also I had some technical difficulties actually posting this so if this turns out weird then tell me ;w; )

It had been silent that night. There seemed to be a void between the bodies that couldn’t seem to shut their eyes. Their wedding rings didn’t seem to shine as much with everything becoming so jaded. They didn’t expect it to be that way. They didn’t want it to be that way but that didn’t stop it from happening. Yuuri wasn’t sure how it started maybe it was his fault for becoming so tired of sleeping in the same bed with such a selfish person for so long but then it would be Viktor’s fault for being that way in the first place, wouldn’t it? He wasn’t sure anymore. Not even Viktor seemed sure of anything, maybe that was why Yuuri became so frustrated with him, maybe that’s why Viktor became so frustrated with Yuuri if even he wasn’t sure what happened to them.

 

“… I think that after this… It kind of shows that maybe it was wrong to start something so serious…We should’ve just stayed coach and protégé…” Yuuri muttered. It felt like he was just talking to himself rather than to Viktor. He wasn’t sure if he was listening to him the way he had his back turned just as Yuuri had done, mutually deciding that they couldn’t even look at each other anymore that night without becoming angry. “We should end this.”

 

“Is that what you think then? That you need to cut ties without even trying to fix anything?” Viktor’s voice was cold and cut through the calmness Yuuri desperately tried to bring back, instead it seemed he wanted to make Yuuri snap again. Yuuri felt petty again, then again they both were which was why he wanted to stop it once and for all, he’d never been so childish before. It was always like this now because of how they started acting around each other. Somebody would say something and then there would be a snarky remark thrown back at them. At first it was endearing, it was considered sassy or teasing before but now it was just a personal attack.

 

“If anybody isn’t trying it’s you, Viktor. You always find ways to twist things so you can make me seem like the bad person.” Yuuri replied, he felt too calm in this situation. “In fact… You don’t even think of me when you speak, I do say things I regret but you don’t even hold back or even apologise.”

 

“That’s not true,” Viktor started. Yuuri seemed to of struck a chord. “You really think I don’t regret what I say? I’m not heartless but you always make me out to be. You don’t tell me your emotions and then suddenly you bring it up like I knew already.” Yuuri sat up abruptly.

 

“Well, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that your blatant insults hurt. I must’ve assumed you had common sense.” Yuuri knew that he’d just started something already. He cursed himself. They were both exhausted from today’s hard training session and just wanted some sleep. It was already late, they could go well into the early hours of the morning if they tried. They could break another outside of their skating the way they could hold up an argument. Their personal best went for hours and being transferred into the next morning, their wounds still fresh.

 

“It’s not that simple!” Viktor had sat up as well. “I don’t even say anything that bad but you always just overreact and start making it seem worse so I feel sorry for you!” Viktor huffed. “Then you just act like you’re the victim and pretend I don’t have feelings so you can go off and make me out as the bad guy to everybody without feeling bad about it.” Viktor must’ve been referring to that time Yuuri had told Phichit about what was going on. It wasn’t like he was lying about Viktor, he only retold the story, he even admitted his mistakes. It didn’t feel like Viktor’s business so why was he pretending that he knew everything about that?

 

“I wouldn’t even need to talk to Phichit about our relationship if you listened to me-“

 

“You don’t even listen to me! Why should I listen to you?” Yuuri sighed.

 

“Can’t you see how childish that is?” Viktor gave him a bitter smile.

 

“Ah, I see, there’s a double standard. I never knew the great, one and only Yuuri Katsuki had to be catered to without meeting other’s needs. I am so sorry, I must give you whatever the hell you want without asking anything of you in return.”

 

“It’s not like that-“

 

“Then what is it like, Yuuri?!” Viktor exclaimed. “You expect me to handle everything like nothing hurts, you think I like this? I might as well just be alone again, even the fucking dog pays more attention to me!” Yuuri’s eyes trailed to Makkachin that huffed with a yawn and jumped off the end of the bed, he felt sorry for the poodle, being woken up by the sounds of them bickering like children.

 

“It’s not my fault you always want attention, is that the only reason you started coaching me? So you could become relevant again?” Suddenly a sharp pain ran through his cheek. Makkachin’s attention was drawn to the sound, only growling when Viktor gripped onto Yuuri’s wrist.

 

“This is what I’m talking about! You make your own conclusions!” Yuuri wasn’t sure if Viktor was going to hit him again or if he’d just yell at him some more but luckily Makkachin interrupted before he found out. The dog jumped on the bed between them and for the first time bared teeth at Viktor, threatening to bite if anything continued. Viktor was a little taken aback by the display and let go of his hold on Yuuri. Makkachin seemed to calm down a little more but didn’t move, resting on Yuuri’s lap. Yuuri let tears fall down his cheeks. The pain was a numb one, Viktor must’ve put all his frustration through the attack, he wondered if it would make the area tender.

 

“T-This is why I wanted to end this before it got worse.” Viktor’s eyes were downcast in shame. He knew self-discipline from the gruelling sport of skating, anybody who was a professional sportsman knew self-discipline. For some reason, he couldn’t control himself this time. Yuuri guessed it was the pent-up emotions and his harsh words that got to him.

 

“I didn’t mean it.” Viktor said awfully quietly. Shame littered in his words. Yuuri almost forgave him because of it but then the tingle in his cheek reminded him of reality. If he could do it once, what was stopping him from hitting him again? If Makkachin wasn’t there would he just lose all restraint?

 

“Viktor…” Yuuri took Viktor’s right hand. The ring almost had no shine left in it. The rose-tinted glasses were off. He slipped it off then slipped his own off. There wasn’t much protest from Viktor, he almost hoped there would be, just to see if he cared. “I don’t think we’re good for each other anymore…”

 

“Yuuri… Don’t leave me, please… I didn’t mean to-” Viktor sounded desperate but Yuuri halted him before he could guilt him into staying.

 

“Don’t make it harder, Viktor… I… We’ve finished. If you can find it in you to finish the worlds with me I will do it with you for the competition and go back to Japan. I’ll retire and just focus on the onsen… We can sort out the legalities later, I don’t care anymore…” Yuuri looked down at the bands in his hand. It was like he was ripping his own heart out but he knew it was for the better.

 

“I can fix this, I-I can if you let me-“

 

“Viktor. I’m telling you what I want, okay? I’m… I’m tired of this. Please just let me end this.”

 

“W-We can just take a break, w-we don’t need to end it completely!” Viktor suggested. Yuuri realised the way Viktor’s voice was breaking. He was crying. Worse than Yuuri was, even now he was exceeding Yuuri. He almost looked beautiful with tears in his sky-blue eyes but the first time he saw it hurt more. This time he’d honestly seen Viktor mad and sad so many times that it had desensitised him.

 

“That won’t solve anything, it’ll just be more painful that way… I’ll… I’ll just stay with Phichit.” Viktor shook his head. He disagreed but didn’t say anything more. Yuuri didn’t think that he’d end up in a divorce when he married Viktor, people rarely thought about the possibility of divorce with their partner so he wasn’t prepared at all for what was to come. He knew it was inevitable for months already but it was still a shock to him, it would be a shock to everybody that the couple that took over the skating world were going to be no more. Yuuri knew how awkward it would be during his last competition since they were doing a pair skate. They’d have to pretend to be happy together or quit halfway through the worlds.

 

Viktor didn’t do much to stop Yuuri from packing the possessions he came with. It was like he’d given up already, he hoped it wouldn’t show in his performance, if he were able to compete in his state. Yuuri had always seen Viktor as strong. He was a six-time gold medallist, Yuuri being a two-time gold medallist with him winning last year’s World’s in which Viktor didn’t compete in and barely beating Viktor three years ago. Yuuri assumed it was because they had just married and he was in his best state to perform, not that Viktor wasn’t either but it could only be one in the end. Before this year’s competition they had already started on their choreography for their pair skate. During practice Yuuri had noticed how critical Viktor had gotten when Yuuri flubbed a jump or accidently changed a jump, it was like he couldn’t get out of coach mode and couldn’t just skate with him as a husband. Viktor certainly had his fair share of failures especially that one time he dropped him during the one lift they had in the routine, it set them back awhile for Yuuri to recover from the fall’s minor injuries such as bruising and a cut lip from where he bit down. He certainly didn’t see Viktor getting so annoyed at himself as he had with Yuuri although he did seem worried, especially at the sight of drops of blood but once he realised he wasn’t hurt too badly he acted like it never happened.

 

Yuuri didn’t want to think of how painful that felt. He saw a second of care before he went straight back to a cold and calculated coach. Thinking about all the times Viktor could be that way made it easier to leave. Phichit was welcoming to Yuuri. He didn’t want to tell him why he was going to him instead of staying with his future ex-husband. Of course, he had to. Eventually the media would notice, he didn’t want people to spread false rumours so he’d have to talk to Viktor about telling everybody as soon as they felt was appropriate so nobody made their own assumptions.

 

“Are you okay? You look like you’ve been crying!” Phichit exclaimed. Yuuri just set his bags down next to the bed. “Yuuri! Phichit gasped. He studied his face in his hands. “What the hell is that?” he asked darkly.

 

“What do you mean?” Phichit pulled him into the bathroom and made him look in the mirror. The left side of his face had some discolouration and was much more red than the rest of his post-crying face. He cursed to himself.

 

“Viktor and I had a fight again and he ended up hitting me. I decided that it wasn’t… Best to stay.” Phichit looked at him with concern.

 

“You… Are you going to… You know? End it?” Yuuri didn’t hesitate nodding. He’d already made up his mind. Phichit seemed sceptical.

 

“Are you sure? This is a big decision to make so fast. I’m not saying you can’t handle this but this is just as big as marriage is perhaps even more…”

 

“I’ve had thoughts of it for months… I told you when we had a pretty big fight and you helped me but I just… I didn’t tell you how long before it was happening. We just became so spiteful in such a short period of time.” Yuuri explained.

 

“How long has it been?” Yuuri shrugged.

 

“Around the same time we started training for this year, a couple months before give or take.”

 

“Damn, that short? Yakov and Lilia took years.”

 

“I know... I don’t know if it’s right anymore, they seem to be able to handle being around each other so well but… You can even see our distain in our routines…” Phichit tsked.

 

“Yuuri, I’m sure that Yakov and Lilia had to have time to heal, all divorces are nasty at some point. Even now, I don’t think they could say that they even like eachother’s company. They’re strictly professional.” Suddenly, Yuuri’s eyes welled up with tears again.

 

“Then how am I supposed to skate on the same ice as him? How? Viktor doesn’t give up on competitions. Ever. Once he’s started he can’t just stop… I don’t want to jeopardise his success believe it or not. I can’t refuse-”

 

“Yuuri.” Phichit interrupted. “You have choices. You can pull out whenever you want. There’s nothing stopping you, think about what you want. Sleep on it, right now you can’t be making any rash decisions, you have an awful lot of them to make. I’m sorry, we’ll need to share a bed since I wasn’t expecting... You know.” Yuuri nodded and cracked a smile.

 

“It’ll be like Detroit, when we were too broke to buy two beds for a month.” Phichit smiled as well at the memory. Detroit held a lot of good memories for both of them. There were some bad parts but they were covered with all the good parts. Becoming best friends was the highlight of their stay.

 

“I’ll run you a nice bath and you can rest, how about that?” Yuuri nodded. He was still numb from how real everything was becoming. What about Viktor? Yuuri thought. Why had they become this way?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter <3

Viktor’s part of the routine was the worst anybody had seen so far in his entire career. Never before had the six-time gold medallist been so vulnerable to scrutiny, he’d never been so vulnerable at all. He could tell that Yuuri was becoming impatient with his failures but didn’t mention it aloud like he’d done in the past but for some reason that it worse than any jab at his ego. Yakov had yelled at him from across the rink most of the time and Yuri had spouted insults at him. It was the last day they had to practice before there would be an audience across the world watching them skate together. They would ask questions, he could predict it from a mile away. The press would have a field day covering the story with many fake rumours being spread to ruin their image. Perhaps Viktor cheated or Yuuri was only in it for the money. Viktor scoffed as he thought of the possible baiting headlines for the supposed power couple of the skating world’s downfall in their relationship.

 

 

Honestly, he was sporting a killer headache and was too disorientated to do any jumps more complicated than a single and couldn’t find it in himself to care. It was only when Viktor had swung his arm in Yuuri face that he was stopped from practising. It would be the second time he had hit him he thought bitterly. Yuuri rubbed his jaw with a groan and stepped off the ice. Yakov had hit him over the head fuming at Viktor’s poor performance.

 

 

“What is happening to you today?! What the hell was that?!” Yakov practically screamed at the top of his lungs. Viktor almost thought his ears were bleeding and if they were he frankly didn’t care. All he saw was Phichit and Yuuri talking on a bench as far away as possible to himself. He wondered if they were just making idle conversation or talking about how horrible he was. It was always what he assumed of Yuuri now. That all he was doing was bad-mouthing him because of his selfish nature, he’d heard it once and it hurt more than most were lead to believe. Even after Viktor’s confession of his bottled-up emotions didn’t seem to get the point across.

 

 

“I’ll do better tomorrow. Promise.” Viktor said. It sounded closer to a one-sided conversation to himself rather than to his coach. He wasn’t sure if he could keep that promise. In all his years of skating he’d never flubbed as many jumps in one session or ever hit a fellow rink mate by accident. It seemed like Yuuri was a curse and blessing at the same time. While he’d failed more while skating with him such as him embarrassingly dropping him and just then hitting him in the face, he’d also had some of his best moments in his career with him. Even outside of competitions Yuuri had managed to mould his way into Viktor’s lifestyle and now that he wasn’t going to be around anymore he could self-destruct without being stopped. The thought scared him. Already he’d drunk himself half to death, his body going straight into deference at his vodka-driven night.

 

 

“You better, if you two don’t make it to the podium I will make you responsible.” Yakov’s harsh words stung Viktor. He wished he could just tell him right then but he couldn’t find the words. Even if he did it didn’t seem like Yakov would appreciate it, he’d think he was blaming the train wreck he’d just created on a failed marriage and he wasn’t prepared for another onslaught of criticism from his coach at the moment.

 

 

“I won’t let you or Yuuri down like that.” Viktor smiled confidently. Inside it was like he was crumbling under the pressure. He’d felt the stakes were high in previous competitions but this felt like he’d die if he failed. Everybody was expecting them to dominate the game. After all, how could the two best skaters in the world ever fail? It would certainly be a tragic sight for the spectators and a crippling one for the participants’ legacy.

 

 

“As you should. Yuuri still has at least another year in him, I can’t have you letting him down like that.” Yakov couldn’t see the irony in that statement. They were both done but were still forced to keep going for the sake of finishing what they started. If they weren’t strong enough to at least do that then what pride would they have left? Yakov’s face was still red with anger so he dismissed him as if he was only fuelling the flames he’d set in his eyes. His first thought was to sit next to Yuuri until he realised just how awkward that was. He cursed to himself and sat on the bench next to the pair.

 

 

‘He seems to be handling everything well,’ Viktor thought, ‘Maybe he’d already thought of us being divorced before he told me anything…’ It seemed like an entirely plausible situation although he hated thinking of something so painful. He wished he asked more questions before the imaginary boundaries were set up. What those imaginary boundaries were was unclear. He wasn’t sure if he could talk about anything with Yuuri without it being too strange. Surely nobody would want to hear anything about a devastated divorcee, he shouldn’t even be complaining since he was the one who created a problem in the first place.

 

 

‘How do you always manage to do this to yourself?’ he thought sourly. He wasn’t sure where to go from there. He wanted to attempt the routine again but was too afraid to ask. ‘Who are you?’ he said to himself dumbfounded. He’d always been confident in his actions no matter how low he could get in his mind. Now he was too terrified to mutter a few words to somebody he’d seen naked comfortably many times. Luckily, he didn’t have to. Yuuri was already walking towards him with the clacking of his skate guards drawing Viktor out of his thoughts.

 

 

“I know you didn’t mean to hit me in the face,” Which time? Viktor cringed, of course, he meant on the ice. Viktor knew he would never be forgiven for laying hands on Yuuri during a heated moment, if he could control himself nothing would’ve happened, he could’ve fixed everything with time but now the chance was gone. “Let’s just try one more time.” He wished he could say that about their relationship. Viktor wanted to beat it into him that he needed to stop thinking about them so much or he’d surely go mad. They both made it onto the ice and assumed their starting positions after Yuuri told Yakov to get ready for the performance.

 

 

Viktor messed up another jump just by being so close to him. It was looking like they could manage to do a decent attempt before he landed a triple flip instead of a quadruple flip. That small difference set his failure in stone as he flubbed another simple jump after seeing Yuuri’s perfection and falling again.

 

 

He would never get to lay next to that man again and it was his fault. Fail. He would never kiss those lips again. Fail. He would never fix what he’d broken. Fail. It didn’t take long for the music to stop and is hopes to be lost.

 

 

“Are you sure you can do this, Viktor?” Yuuri asked him. Viktor was shaking. He wasn’t sure anymore. “You can quit, you know that, right?” Maybe Yuuri sounded more concerned in Viktor’s head but his voice was soft and wavered slightly in worry.

 

 

“I can do this.” He stood up straighter as not to show his disappointment and fear. “I can do this.” He repeated to himself, it was as if his own reassurance was all he had keeping him from quitting. Yuuri nodded and went back into position.

 

 

“One more time.” Yuuri said. Little did he know how many times he’d be saying that. Their practice going an hour longer than usual as they continued to work together. While Viktor was still failing at times he’d managed to complete most of their attempts. After they had finished they parted ways, going back to separate beds for the night.

 

 

The room he returned to was dark but he couldn’t be bothered turning on the lights. Instead, he wallowed in self-pity in his bed with his dog sleeping next to his feet. Now he was truly alone. He felt like he had to have another bottle of some poison but decided that he couldn’t if it would affect his skating the next day which it most certainly would do. He couldn’t be on the ice with bright lights shining on him and a hangover, it would be suicide no matter how much the thought made him feel comforted.

 

 

‘Oh god, I didn’t just think that, did I? How weak are you? Plenty of people go through this all the time and you’re already falling apart.’ Viktor sighed and rolled over accidently crushing Makkachin a little.

 

 

“I’m sorry, Makka. I almost forgot somebody was there.” He ran a hand through the soft curls to bring comfort to himself. Makkachin whimpered, head lowering as if there was a sadness behind the poodle’s actions. “Do you miss him too? I miss him…” Viktor wiped his eyes to prevent any stray tears although the act only proved to be useless for its purpose. His face was already a prominent red with his eyes becoming bloodshot. He could taste the salt and raw misery on his tongue from where his tears met the curve of his lips. How he could even stand to be around Yuuri was unexplainable but he could still feel the sadness in his chest eating at him at the very presence of his dear Yuuri in both his physical being and his appearance in his mind intrusively. It was unfathomable how he would be able to do his part in bringing them to the podium as they were expected to. The bar was already so high and one ounce of failure was enough to send their overall placement on the scoreboard behind. One slip or fall could leave them open to being beaten and he could not disappoint Yuuri again.

 

 

“What am I to do?” He asked the dark orbs of his beloved best friend. It was a new low to ask advice from an animal but he was desperate for any validation. As expected his pet only huffed and feel back to sleep as older dogs tended to do. He fell back on the bed and let out a long and drawn out sigh with a slight waver from his choked-up throat. As he laid sprawled out on the hotel mattress he couldn’t help but imagine the possibilities of success and a more likely failure. He wondered if that was how Yuuri felt in the past before he performed. The overwhelming anxiety felt like he was about to pass out from exhaustion. A sick part of him hoped Yuuri was feeling the same way just so he wouldn’t be completely alone in the experience. He’d never seen that man so calm in his life the way he had skated that afternoon, it was as if he’d flicked a switch that turned him into a cold and robotic person which he most certainly wasn’t. The Yuuri he knew was a nervous wreck that managed to stun him with surprises. He was passionate and alluring when he skated for him. Everything he did worked so well together, everything was purposeful and he had slowly learnt to own his mistakes, unlike Viktor who had simply decided not to make any in fear of the repercussions. In more ways than one Yuuri truly was better than Viktor ever could’ve hoped to be in his years of experience and that included his ability to handle Viktor like no other and that included Viktor himself.

 

 

All things come to an end and sadly, that was their marriage. Gone would be those nights of passion and pure love for each other. Gone all the open doors of possibilities for new and positive memories together. Gone was Viktor’s other half he had no idea he didn’t have. He’d been told before he was overdramatic, including from Yuuri himself and he could see why. It made him angry thinking that he was being so melodramatic about everything because of a relationship ending. No matter how painful it was to lose Yuuri and yet having him around all the time running through his head he felt he wasn’t being grateful enough.

 

 

‘You really are selfish, Viktor Nikiforov. Too caught up in yourself to notice Yuuri hurting…’ he thought. ‘Too much of a careless idiot to think of somebody else for once.’

 

 

Viktor couldn’t help himself anymore. His palms were becoming sweaty from being away from it any longer. He’d been able to repress the small urges after Yuuri sat him down and asked to calm down on his alcohol. He could become quite a bothersome drunk but it also made him forget certain memories just for a moment, a temporary fix to a very much non-temporary problem. Makkachin watched as Viktor went straight out the room’s door to fetch himself something to calm his racing thoughts.

 

 

Yuuri groaned when his phone ran rather loudly in the middle of the night. He ignored it at first in favour of sleeping but when it continued to ring and woke up Phichit he decided to answer his phone’s incessant ringing. He lifted the device to his ear with his eyes still adjusting to the dark.

 

 

“Who is it?” he managed to say in his tired state. It came out more like a grumble of words mixed together but hopefully, it was enough to sound somewhat legible. When he didn’t get an immediate answer. He sat up on his elbow and rubbed his eyes. “Hello?” there was a crackling noise coming from the background before he decided that he’d hang up until a sudden voice interrupted him.

 

 

“Yuuri!” came an excited exclamation. “I-I’m come-coming home now, I’ll be there in like… Five or…” he drifted off and never completed the sentence before shouting about something else. “Oh! Makkachin misses you! I mis-miss you, Yuuri!” he slurred. Yuuri sighed and rubbed his forehead. Of course, it was a drunk call from his soon-to-be ex-husband.

 

 

“Where are you, Viktor? It’s too late to get pissed on the street.” There was a pause before a childish laugh responded.

 

 

“I don’t know, but-but it’s like okay… I’m so old! I can make it back fine. I just wanna call you to say I love you! I wanna be married friends again!”

 

 

“Why the hell is he calling you at…” Phichit checked his phone. “four in the morning before your routine?! What the hell is he doing?!” Phichit seemed to wake up at the realisation. Yuuri’s heart stopped for a moment. Suddenly he felt nothing but anger and disappointment.

 

 

“Viktor?! What the fuck made you think it was a good idea to get wasted hours before the competition?!” he shouted into his phone. He was sure he’d woken up somebody and everybody in the hotel at that moment but he didn’t care. “You always pull shit like this and expect everything to be okay! We’re going to have to quit because of you now!”

 

 

“Aaah, I d-didn’t think about that…” Viktor lamented. “Oh well.”

 

 

“That’s the most you can say to me? ‘Oh well.’? Oh my god, Viktor…” He felt hot angry tears welling up. He’d thought Viktor had managed to bounce back into his training again even with the bad news. He skated with determination no matter how many times he’d failed. He couldn’t really care less if they won or lost but he knew that Viktor would regret his decision to get drunk on such an important date. He would be angry at himself for letting himself lose, if they could even skate, he was sure that Viktor would either hurt his own body or Yuuri’s. It would be too dangerous with their routine. If Viktor happened to drop him the wrong way he could be seriously injured, if he was too close during a spin he could end up kicking Yuuri in the face with his skates, the possibilities were endless.

 

 

“I think we’re going to have to call it off, Viktor.” If the other man heard it he certainly wasn’t addressing it. There were only drunken ramblings and ugly crying. Yuuri sighed and hung up, he was sure that Viktor wouldn’t notice either way. He turned to Phichit who’d already turned on the light and shook his head.

 

 

“I-It’s not going to happen…” Yuuri said with a quivering lip. He hadn’t expected such a let down from somebody he used to be married to. He’d expected Viktor to treat the competition seriously, especially with somebody else in the competition skating alongside him. Yuuri guessed there really was no more hope for them. He shook his head before rolling over on his side to try and sleep away the ache in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please continue to support this story! I love writing it way too much for my weak emotional stability ( ;w; )


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh I'm a little late on this oops ;w;  
> Thank you to those supporting this I have fun writing it <3  
> (Also I still have no idea how figure skating works yet I think I'm managing by being as vague as possible with that aspect)

Yuuri had eventually gone out looking for Viktor by himself so he didn’t have to disturb Phichit’s rest for the night any more than he already had. It was difficult since he wasn’t familiar with the country yet, Spain was a completely different world to Yuuri even if he’d come to the country for international competitions for years. When he did find Viktor, it was a pitiful sight. He wouldn’t be surprised if he’d been stolen from while he was passed out on the sidewalk.

 

 

Somebody so accomplished at such a low point was almost saddening. Yuuri was still devastated by the news, this man he had to drag back to his hotel room was the reason he couldn’t compete. This was supposed to be his last competition and he was going to be lumped in with Viktor even if he played no part in Viktor’s decision. They were supposed to be a team and whenever somebody made a mistake they both took the blame. Unfortunately, Yuuri wasn’t prepared to take the blame this time. They would find out about their marriage situation and blame him and he wasn’t going to have that. Viktor was never good at dealing with problems, part of Yuuri wondered if he was really a grown man or a stupid teenager. It used to be cute but now his lack of responsibility was just selfish and annoying. Of course, Yuuri still cared about him but he just couldn’t love him anymore. At least, that’s what he believed.

 

 

It was embarrassing lugging a grown six-time gold medallist through the hotel lobby. People stared and some of the visitors recognised them immediately. Yuuri just wanted to be left alone for once, they did take pictures and ask questions, he knew this was going to be everywhere by the time the competition begun. He let out a frustrated sigh, the press was going to be asking too many questions once they got the chance and he was going to be the one dealing with it. He got in the elevator with a couple of other people getting out and staring at the strange sight. Yuuri went pink and pressed the level Viktor was still staying at. That’s when he remembered the elevator required a key card to move up.

 

 

“Damn it… Where did you leave it?” Yuuri looked through Viktor’s pockets and ended up fruitless. “Don’t tell me you lost it…” Yuuri groaned. “You idiot.” He decided that he wasn’t about to ask somebody else to help him and definitely not about to look for where he would’ve left his card. If Viktor was going to drink himself until he was blackout drunk, he was going to face the consequences. Surely an employee would recognise Viktor anyway, somebody else would help him if they saw him. Yuuri had done his part, he’d taken him off the street where most of the danger was and into a hotel full of people that knew Viktor was there. He was safe and that was the bare minimum Yuuri needed.

 

 

“Excuse me?” He asked the woman at the desk. She looked a little awestruck but seemed to keep her calm. “Please look after Viktor Nikiforov. He’s by the elevator right now passed out, I can’t get him back to his hotel room so just look out for him and do what you must if he’s causing trouble for you.” The woman nodded a little confused as she looked back at the man leaning against the wall precariously.

 

 

“What am I going to do with him…” Yuuri sighed as he took a taxi back to Phichit’s hotel.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Excuse me, Mr.Nikiforov? Mr.Nikiforov?” A feminine accented voice asked. Viktor only groaned at the noise, his head was disagreeing with every minuscule sound, it was like a painful drum in his head banging every single time. When he tried opening his eyes the bright lights only made his head pound more.

 

 

“W-What?”

 

 

“Your husband was here and dropped you off earlier this morning. He said you couldn’t get back into your room?” Viktor furrowed his eyebrows. Yuuri helped him? He also just left him. At least somebody had the decency to help him he thought bitterly. He was especially sour at this term ‘husband’ as it only made him want to cry again. Such a thing in public view would just be an embarrassment and weak. He could smell the alcohol all over him and cringed. He must’ve looked so vulnerable, if Yuuri had seen him like this he must’ve been so ashamed to of been with him. Viktor certainly felt ashamed.

 

 

“What time is it?”

 

 

“Twelve.” Viktor’s eyes cracked open. Surely, he had heard that wrong. His head hurt like hell and his legs felt like jelly. Even the smallest amount of noise would cause him a reminder of his hangover.

 

 

“Twelve at night?” the woman shook her head. The afternoon? Of the competition? He hadn’t even prepared himself! He was in no shape to perform while he still felt disorientated from alcohol.

 

 

“We moved you to the couch but you didn’t wake up.” She explained. “We were about to call an ambulance because you seemed to be heavily under influence and could’ve been… You know.” Viktor felt bad. He must’ve made this woman concerned for his health and worried for her job if she were to be made responsible if worse came to worse.

 

 

“Do not worry,” Viktor assured. “I-I…” Viktor turned pink. “Could you help me make arrangements to get back in the room? I can pay for it if it’s an inconvenience.”

 

 

“Oh no, it’s perfectly fine. We have more key cards, we just weren’t sure if you would be alright.” Viktor ran a hand through his hair. He wondered if he could be forgiven. He didn’t intend to take everything so far. Before Yuuri, he was exactly like this and once Yuuri found out he managed to convince Viktor to hold himself back to the point he was sober 24/7. Unfortunately, it seemed like Yuuri was the only anchor he had the whole time and now there was nothing stopping him from getting himself killed.

 

 

After the problem was solved Makkachin jumped all over him in excitement for his return. He lazily scratched the poodle’s head and sat on the edge of the hotel bed. It was too bright and Makkachin wasn’t exactly a quiet dog. He did deserve it, he thought. He deserved all the pain he was going through because he knew that there was no chance of redemption now that he’s ruined everything. Maybe he should call Yuuri to tell him he’s sorry because that was the least he could do. The least he could do was give him a piss poor apology which he knew would never be enough. A part of Viktor had hoped they could sort things out, they could maybe mend their relationship and start all over again like before. Yuuri seemed so sure and was always right, Viktor had learnt that when Yuuri had his mind set on something there was no chance of stopping him. He sighed. There really was no more hope for them. For him.

 

 

He decided not to call him just to save both of them the trouble. He must’ve been angry at him, furious even. It happened often when Viktor forgot to do something around the house or forgetting to get something from the store but it was always just a little remark and frustrated sigh before Yuuri assured him it was okay with a kiss. He missed that assurance. Maybe it was just Yuuri he missed. He missed everything, he wished he could just go back or maybe just end it before everything got worse.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yuuri knew he had to be the one to tell Yakov the news. The man was shouting through the phone but not directly at him although he seemed to think that yelling at Yuuri could somehow channel how pissed off he was to Viktor. Yuuri wanted to shout at Viktor too but knew that couldn’t solve anything, he knew that had only served to ruin their marriage in the first place.

 

 

Besides, he knew that Viktor drinking again only meant that his emotions were getting out of hand. He drank to forget, that was the words he used after he was discovered drinking obscene amounts of alcohol for one man. At the time Yuuri had been devastated, he thought that Viktor was too far gone but somehow, he had pulled him out of that dark place. He just hoped Viktor was back in it again. Yuuri had worked so hard to help him, they worked through it together.

 

 

“It’s okay, Feltsman. He’ll come around eventually.” Yuuri bit back the urge to insult him after all, he deserved it but he couldn’t bring himself to with the knowledge that Viktor was hurting. “I’ll talk to him about it but we’re still going to pull out of the competition.”

 

 

“Perhaps I could still make arrangements with the judges, I could ask for them to score you based on your average and-“

 

 

“Don’t worry about that, Feltsman. We… You see we’re going through some issues right now, I think it’s best that we pull out to have time to heal.” Yuuri’s voice was strained. He desperately wanted to keep skating, with or without Viktor, skating had been his life since he was a child. It would be selfish, Yuuri realised that now. He hadn’t expected such a reaction from Viktor and he was sure people would start talking about their announcement to pull out of the competition at the last minute.

 

 

“Yakov?”

 

 

“Yes?”

 

 

“I would like to be there, for the other skaters at least but if I’m going Viktor will be there too.”

 

 

“As I’m sure married couples do, Yuuri.” Yakov deadpanned. It must not have been as complicated as it seemed to Yuuri. Everybody still thought they were together and everybody would think that but eventually, the truth would come out to somebody, the only person that knew so far was Phichit but he was sure people would start to figure it out once they saw how Viktor and he interacted at the competition.

 

 

“Yes… How married couples do.” Yuuri couldn’t bring himself to tell him. Soon, he assured himself. He needed Viktor there to break the news to everybody. They were supposed to be living proof of true love and for a while, Yuuri believed it was true. How things change, he thought sourly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Viktor was not excited to be there. He had downed several bottles of overpriced hotel water and had slept most of the time leading up to the competition and he still had a hangover however not as bad as when he’d first woken up. He wore sunglasses and for the first time it was for practical reasons. When he walked in with Yuuri fans seemed excited to see their performance. Guilt washed over Viktor, he was the reason he’d have to see the disappointment on their faces but he still knew there would be ones blaming Yuuri for some absurd reason. He would need to make it clear he should be the one under fire, not the person who deserved it least.

 

 

The entire time they sat on the sidelines watching the performances Viktor felt all eyes on them. Yuuri said he wanted to be there for their friends and fellow skaters but they both knew it was more than that. There would be chances for interviews afterwards which meant chances for the word to get out, the truth. He was nervous, he felt like throwing up but he wasn’t sure if that was the hangover speaking or not.

 

 

Chris had noticed their distance straight away and the way they didn’t have their skates on to start practising. While they had their jackets on they didn’t have any costume on underneath, just their regular street clothes. He even made a quick comment he didn’t realise was as true as he thought it was.

 

 

“Trouble in paradise?” he asked. Viktor wasn’t sure if he was joking or not but he was pretty sure he was so he just smiled without a word. That seemed to give everything away to Chris, he cursed to himself. Usually he said something back but here he was looking like shit and not talking to anybody while Yuuri sat ten feet away from him like he didn’t even want to be associated with him anymore. He wondered what his purpose for being there was and why this was happening to him.

 

 

“Oh,” Chris muttered awkwardly. He looked between the two and sat down next to Viktor. The air was thick. Viktor hated it and just wanted Chris to practice like all the other skaters.

 

 

“You shouldn’t be sitting here with me-“

 

 

“You’re my friend.” Chris interrupted. “Why aren’t you two practising for the pair skating?”

 

 

“We aren’t competing anymore.” Chris seemed shocked but didn’t say anything. Casually he glanced at Viktor’s hand. The ring was still there and a breath that he seemed to be holding was let out. Viktor caught him and felt the need to explain himself.

 

 

“Yuuri stopped wearing his.” He said with his voice a little quieter than usual.

 

 

“ _Merde_. I’m sorry.”

 

 

“It’s not your fault, don’t apologise, you couldn’t’ve known.” He wished he did so he didn’t feel like breaking down in front of everybody, in front of international TV that he knew would capture his shame and sadness.

 

 

“How? If you wouldn’t mind of course.” Viktor could’ve thought of millions of excuses but he knew it always leads to himself. Sure, Yuuri had been the one that wanted to end it but Viktor didn’t want to put the blame on him. In the past he always blamed him. Now he could see his coldness and selfishness.

 

 

“Me.” Viktor croaked. “It was all me,” He hadn’t realised how broken he sounded. “It’s all my fault. We aren’t competing because of me. I have nothing now, not even skating. I’m too tired of all of this.” Viktor wasn’t sure what he was saying. Was he too tired to skate? Or was it a much broader subject? Was life just becoming too exhausting now that everything was collapsing?

 

 

 “Don’t say things like that, you are my friend. Everything isn’t over because of this.” Chris tried assuring. He had never comforted such a torn down man, he had never seen Viktor’s tears before so he didn’t know how to react when he witnessed it for the first time. Viktor sensed the discomfort and wiped his face with his sleeve. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was blotchy which only served to make him paranoid of others seeing him.

 

 

“ _Chris_ ,” Viktor stressed. His headache was throbbing now. “I can’t talk right now, maybe after when you win gold.”

 

 

“It’s not going to be the same without you.” Chris said, “Nothing would be the same.” Viktor shook his head although he didn’t know exactly why. Perhaps it was just because he didn’t think Chris was speaking truthfully to him, he was strong enough to do things by himself while Viktor had depended on a sole person for years. Chris didn’t depend on Viktor, nobody could depend on Viktor. If anything they all wanted him gone so they could have a chance of the spotlight. Leaving the skating world would just be helping other people shine.

 

 

Yuuri was too amazing not to shine without him. He had to keep skating. There was a reason he saw potential in him, he had a fire burning that couldn’t be extinguished as easy as Viktor but it was his fault that it was burning out. The guilt was overwhelming.

 

 

Every bit of Viktor’s emotions was overwhelming. Chris did win gold. Viktor felt happy for him but felt utterly depressed at the thought that Yuuri wouldn’t win another gold because of his wrongdoing. After the men’s singles ended with Chris the victor, JJ a close contender and Yuri extremely unhappy with his bronze the interviews started. He was especially nervous since that meant there was a chance for interviews. The Worlds were hectic with cameras and reporters scrambling around skaters. The pairs hadn’t even begun and somehow everybody had found out they weren’t competing which only caused mayhem. Yuuri had seemingly taken most of the questions allowing Viktor to just compose himself for a minute.

 

 

“Could you explain why you both pulled out of the Worlds?” one asked. Yuuri answered immediately like he’d already planned this question.

 

 

“There are many factors but we’ve decided to make this decision because we simply can’t handle such a strenuous performance in our current situation.” Viktor only nodded along. There wasn’t any other way to put it. “However,” Yuuri started again, “I ask that everybody please respects our privacy until we make a public announcement. Right now we can’t take any other questions individually, it would be better to tell everybody at once to avoid any miscommunication.” Suddenly Yuuri pulled Viktor away with him down the hallway to the bathroom.

 

 

“Viktor…” Yuuri sighed. “We _really_ need to talk.”

 

 

There was something in the way he said those words that made Viktor prefer anything _but_ to talk.


	4. Chapter 4

He could recognise the pattern in Viktor’s behaviour. He’d lived with him for years and knew all the ins and outs of his past, he had even been in love with him and married him! So, it was easy to see what was happening. When Viktor couldn’t deal with something himself he would just simply ignore it and it just so happened to be that alcohol was his solution, he forgot because it was easier. Yuuri noticed before and managed to help him to talk about his issues rather than just solving them in his own destructive way. That didn’t mean that Yuuri could always stay calm and collected about every incident involving Viktor and alcohol, it was like his sex drive went through the roof and he could easily be sour at Viktor for his sexual advances. He could get extremely frustrated whenever Viktor did something stupid such as drinking before an important competition too but that didn’t mean he didn’t care. He had always cared about Viktor, even before he knew him he cared about him and he will continue to care.

 

 

It was saddening to see Viktor back to his old ways, he felt guilty too. It could’ve been prevented if he’d stayed with him, they might’ve fixed everything like they always did in the past alterations they had. He was quick to dismiss that idea since that didn’t really fix anything it only gave them more ammunition for the next argument and the arguments to come. Right now, all he needed was for Viktor to be safe and drinking was the biggest danger to Viktor at the moment.

 

 

“I don’t want to talk right now,” Viktor said with a guilt-ridden face. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

 

 

“There is Viktor. You need to admit that you see a problem, you’re just ignoring it again. I’m not trying to start a fight in the bathroom I just want you to tell me what’s happening or at least tell somebody else. You’re killing yourself like this!” Yuuri explained, he needed Viktor to talk. Talking it out had always worked and when it didn’t he got his way by force. There was once a time he got his family to move all the sake in the onsen to secret places so Viktor wasn’t tempted. When they were in Japan he was sober the entire time and after that kept the habit up until recent months. Yuuri was severely disappointed that his hard work had gone to waste but Yuuri rarely gave up, his persistence was what had driven him to continue skating he couldn’t see why he would give up on Viktor in his hardest moments, just like how Viktor didn’t give up for Yuuri.

 

 

“I don’t see why you’re so worked up about this,” Viktor narrowed his eyes. “It’s not like we’re really married anymore.”

 

 

“You think I want you to die? I saw you, I saw you when you were on the street blackout drunk, anything could’ve happened to you and you certainly aren’t against driving tipsy.” Yuuri huffed.

 

 

“That was one time,” Viktor defended weakly. “You have better things to do with your time than overreacting over one small incident.”

 

 

“But you don’t have one small incident, you have many big incidents,” Yuuri reminded him. “I’m not letting you ruin your life, Viktor. You need to do something with yourself… This is what happened with us isn’t it?” The look on Viktor’s face was enough of an answer. Yuuri sighed and continued, “Please, I’m begging you, just talk. I can’t be there all the time to look after you anymore, I can’t do it now but you can do something.”

 

 

“I’m not interested in what you have to preach.”

 

 

Yuuri’s heart broke. With genuine concern and fear running through his systems Viktor was still as cold as ever. He wondered if he would ever change or if he would just continue to refuse anybody helping him.

 

 

“You don’t mean that,” Yuuri said, it was more of a reassurance for himself but Viktor needed to know he could read him like an open book. Viktor sighed and shook his head before walking past him and muttering something in Russian. He internally cursed himself for not studying his Russian, he’d been married to a man that had spoken Russian as his first language and had been surrounded by Russian friends and neighbours yet he still couldn’t understand most complex sentences, by complex he meant anything that wasn’t the basic phrases that most people learnt straight away when learning a new language. Especially the swear words which Viktor seemed to be repeating more than considered average.

 

 

“Don’t get angry at me, Viktor.” Yuuri followed him out the door. He thought it was a horrible idea, the media were acting like animals in the hallway ready to pounce, he was surprised they didn’t follow them into the bathroom already. Maybe they had even heard that entire conversation, it wasn’t the time to be paranoid, Yuuri convinced himself.

 

 

“I’m not angry.” Viktor lied. He’d managed to sneak past the press into an empty hallway. Yuuri rolled his eyes.

 

 

“You only swear when you’re angry, especially when you’re driving,” Yuuri remarked all knowingly. He recalled a time Viktor had been a minute away from throwing punches at some poor driver that had suffered from Viktor’s terrible and scary driving skills. Yuuri drove after that but Viktor still got mad for no reason.

 

 

“Well, you are following me,” Viktor frowned.

 

 

“Because you’re not listening to me!” Yuuri exclaimed. He wouldn’t be surprised if the reporters heard him and were already looking for them. “Fine, if you won’t listen then I’ll tell you something that will be happening with or without your cooperation,” Yuuri frowned. “A press conference.” Viktor already didn’t seem very happy with the decision with the look on his face but Yuuri couldn’t find himself to care about Viktor’s opinion on it, he was already frustrated that Viktor had rejected his cry to wake up.

 

 

“Fine,” Viktor said. Yuuri felt his words filled with malice sting him, his voice was devoid of care it was as if he meant nothing anymore. He hated his mind for taking him to those darker places, of course, Viktor had some regard for him, if anything realising he appreciated Yuuri was the problem he was having but Yuuri couldn’t allow another chance. Viktor had enough time to appreciate him and he’d failed each and every time Yuuri gave him a chance on a silver platter.

 

 

“It’ll be quick. If you could come I would appreciate it but I won’t force you to come if you don’t want to,” Yuuri sighed. “I’ll be organising it now. Please. I don’t think it’s necessarily easier to ignore your problems, it only creates more.”

 

 

“Fine, just go now,” Viktor told him. Without another word, Yuuri went on his way. He wanted to let himself look disappointed but he knew that the reporters would see that as an opportunity to create some sort of slander, perhaps even figuring out it was Viktor causing such a grim expression.

 

 

“Katsuki Yuuri!” Came an excited shout. He found that as his chance to get away as soon as possible. He had to squint his eyes to avoid his eyes burning from the flashes of cameras.

 

 

“Please, stop asking me questions! There will be a press conference to address everything, it’s all I ask.” Yuuri was cracking under pressure. Begging only fuelled more questions. A lot of private and false inquiries that made him stressed. “The competitors deserve more attention than Viktor or I do, please speak with them instead.” He compromised before quite literally running away from the chaos. He didn’t even care that he’d ran into somebody holding a microphone in his face. The space was too intimate, he couldn’t stand crowds because it only felt like he was being suffocated.

 

 

He couldn’t deal with this already.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Viktor was not ready for a press conference even if he knew it was coming before Yuuri even announced it to the reporters eagerly awaiting answers to their questions. He slid down awkwardly in his uncomfortable plastic chair. He hated having to be there. He hated that he existed at all. He couldn’t even promise himself that he could keep up his calm and collected façade because right now he was screaming to get out of there in his mind.

 

 

Yuuri looked close to a mental breakdown for a different reason. He could almost see grey hairs from how stressed out he looked. His face gave it all away with nervous sweat starting to bead.

 

 

“Nikiforov, you were seen dishevelled in your hotel lobby, is what happened last night the cause for you pulling out in the finals?” He heard somebody ask. Word got around quickly, he thought bitterly. He only nodded in shame.

 

 

“I am sorry to Yuuri and fans but I’m afraid I will be resigning as a competitive figure skater,” He suddenly explained. “I have let everybody down, especially Yuuri for my irresponsible actions last night. I’ve been thinking of retiring for a long time already but I’ve seen that now is my time to end this. My body has suffered over the years with surgeries and strain, I think it’s time I rest.” He could feel Yuuri’s gaze on him with the room was silent for a moment before bursting into collective messes of outrage and shock.

 

 

“I too have decided to retire,” Yuuri announced. “While I would like to skate again I think it’s best I stop myself from… From getting too mentally weak due to recent events…” Viktor felt a pang in his chest.

 

 

“We decided around the same time as the divorce was decided.” Viktor blurted out. He could see Yuuri furrow his eyebrows at him briefly. He hadn’t expected it himself but he deeply regretted letting private information out like that, then again, the media would’ve found out eventually.

 

 

It was then the room truly went mad for the supposed power couple of the skating world’s shocking news.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“You said you wanted to answer questions so I did,” Viktor said.

 

 

“You’re supposed to be subtle, ease into it! Don’t just tell them everything like nothing!”

 

 

“You’re overreacting.”

 

 

“You’re unbelievable.” Yuuri sighed.

 

 

“Calm down.”

 

 

“I won’t! You’re so… Damn you, now everybody out there is going to be all over this, you’re supposed to do this in steps, Viktor.”

 

 

“Stop this and breathe.”

 

 

“I-I can’t.”

 

 

At this point, Yuuri launched into a full-blown panic attack. Suddenly Viktor felt himself panic as well. He was never good at comforting people, he usually awkwardly just stood there patting their back. Whenever Yuuri had a panic attack he’d get somebody else to fill his spot at the emotional support.

 

 

“Yuuri, breathe.”

 

 

“I’m trying.”

 

 

“Well try harder.” He wanted to hit himself from that response. It was cold. The opposite of support.

 

 

“I-I am.” He heard the heavy breathing that came out as choked sobs now. His body was shaking with his hands shakiest. Viktor heard a voice tell him that this wouldn’t’ve happened if it weren’t for his stupid words leaving his mouth. It was his fault.

 

 

“I’m sorry…” Viktor whispered.

 

 

Everything was his fault now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yuuri was dragged to the banquet that night with Phichit. He had convinced him that thinking too much about the media coverage Viktor and he was already getting. Thinking too much sent him into bouts of depression and anxiety. Phichit warned him not to drink too many flutes of champagne like he had done years ago after his crippling failure at the Grand Prix, the same night he got to meet his husband without shame. He cringed as he remembered the pictures and videos of his actions and promised never to be so embarrassing again.

 

 

However, it was clear that Viktor hadn’t made the same promise to himself. He was already drinking and talking a little too loudly to everybody he saw. Touching some in slightly too invasive ways only to be avoided completely by them. It was shameful and left an uncomfortable feeling in Yuuri’s stomach. He turned away from the disgusting display and decided to throw his promise out the window entirely and went to get his own flute of champagne. Fuck it, he decided, he was going to have more than one if he was going to survive the night amongst his drunk ex-husband.

 

 

It hadn’t been the worst outcome, in fact, it was quite nice. He hadn’t had enough to drink that would cause him to black out for the night but it was enough to give him a buzz of confidence. He’d danced a little with somebody he couldn’t remember the name of and a little with Phichit. The stranger was with him most of the night already. He was happy that he didn’t need to rely on Phichit because it seemed like he was having his own good time with Seung-gil Lee. Could this be considered a good time if he couldn’t even remember this stranger’s name? Had he even told him? Should he take him to Starbucks? No, that was a stupid idea so late at night, who drinks coffee so late? Why was he asking himself such stupid questions? He wasn’t sure. He just liked that he could laugh and not revert to his ex-husband for a moment. It was like he was truly alive again.

 

 

He was drawn in by his face more than anybody else in the room, his palms were clammy and his heart was beating faster than usual. This was somebody he could smile with and it felt so awakening. It felt like love in his heart but in his mind, he knew it was just lust. The heat he was feeling was just a confirmation of that but he could pretend. It seemed like the stranger had caught on the way his hand brushed his before resting on his thigh. It felt like forever he’d felt this way. The spark was back again.

 

 

“I’m staying in this hotel, you know? Would you like to see my room? It’s got a nice view. The bed is really soft too.” Yuuri nodded staring at the golden flecks in his hazel-green eyes. When he heard him chuckle it made his heart flutter in his chest and the tan hand left his thigh. He unintentionally whined but quickly realised he was about to get a lot more than a touch on his thigh. The man gave him his hand to help him up and guided him out of the banquet room. Phichit noticed them and Yuuri assured him it was okay by giving him a thumbs up. His face flashed with suspicion before returning to his conversation. Blue eyes briefly met his as they were opening the doors on their way out, Viktor’s lips suddenly losing his smile and staying a tight lined frown. Yuuri couldn’t find himself to care at the moment, he was too enveloped in the idea that he was about to have sex with this lovely stranger. They waited in the elevator together with Yuuri nervously shuffling.

 

 

He hadn’t done this since… Ever. How was he supposed to act? Whenever he was with Viktor it was okay to be embarrassed and awkward because they already knew each other. Yuuri had even thrown up on Viktor once after getting food poisoning while they were intimate and it wasn’t even much of a problem. Now if he so much as made an awkward sound or performed embarrassingly inexperienced he would be judged, that’s what he thought at least. He bit his lip nervously before feeling an arm wrap around his waist.

 

 

“I like it when you do that,” Yuuri went red. He wasn’t even sure what he’d done, how was he supposed to impress him now? The stranger pointed down the hall. “It’s the last room on the left,” Yuuri nodded and stared at the carpet. It was a vivid orange-yellow colour, it looked like it had been there since the 1960’s and never replaced. “Don’t look so nervous, I’m sure you’ll have fun soon.”

 

 

“I’m not that nervous, really. I’m just excited.” Yuuri lied. It seemed like a satisfactory answer for the handsome stranger. He pulled out his key card and slipped it in the slot of the door’s lock, there was a green light and click before the door was pushed open. The room didn’t look as horrible as the hallway, it was modern and sleek, probably renovated in recent years.

 

 

“See? The view is pretty good, you can see the whole city up here, well, one side of it anyway.” Yuuri’s eyes were drawn to the large window. He was right. It was a good view. Right now, he didn’t want to really look at the scenery. It seemed like a mutual feeling and the stranger ushered him to sit down on the bed. Once again, the man was correct, the bed was really soft. He felt the bed dip next to him and that very welcomed hand came dangerously close to his crotch. Yuuri whined and took the hand into his and replaced it closer. There was a soft laughter filling the room which was silenced when he felt the same mouth letting those sounds escape from it kissed him on the neck. It was just kitten kisses, to begin with, but eventually ended up leaving bruises along his neck.

 

 

“Can I take this off?” he asked pulling on his already loose dress shirt. Yuuri nodded and allowed him to pull off the restricting clothing. He continued his trail of kisses to his chest. Suddenly he was pushed onto the bed, his back welcoming the softness. Yuuri could feel the other man’s clothed crotch against his lower half and went bright scarlet. Whenever Viktor and he had gotten intimate it wasn’t as slow as this, it used to be that way but all of sudden it was less about passion and more about ripping each other’s clothes off and getting the deed done. Could this be considered passion? It felt like it. He was feeling more passion with a stranger he didn’t even know the name of than his ex-husband and he had later in their marriage.

 

 

“How would you like it?” The question caught him off guard. Yuuri sputtered and shrugged, it was a stupid move, he thought. It only seemed to be amusing to the man above him. “Nothing? Positions? Rough? Slow?” The many options excited something in Yuuri. It certainly excited his lower regions.

 

 

“A-Ah, a little bit of everything I suppose,” Yuuri answered. “Wherever this goes,” He nipped his earlobe to somehow prove himself. He had to at least convince himself that he was confident enough to go so far with a stranger, even with the champagne in his system he still felt embarrassed by this act. “Whichever way you like.” It was good enough for the stranger who continued to ravish him.

 

 

It felt great for the most part, just having somebody compliment his body and the way he acted was amazing but it made his skin crawl how unlike him he was acting. After gaining some confidence back it felt more like his Eros persona than Katsuki Yuuri. He played the part and while it honestly felt pleasurable he started to feel disconnected from it. He moaned when he felt fingers find a certain spot that felt just right but had reminded himself it wasn’t Viktor’s fingers doing that. Then he had to remind himself again that not everything had to be about Viktor, he had to enjoy himself for once. He had no idea being selfish felt so good but still felt so wrong.

 

 

It turned out that the stranger liked it rough. Almost a little too rough but also extremely arousing to Yuuri. He felt hot and heavy breathing in the crook of his neck with more marks being left on him in the same spot. Yuuri was switched to his knees with the man behind him, a hard grip was pulling on the jet-black hair on his head. The noises coming from his mouth were awfully loud and the words he was spewing were lewd enough to make a pornstar blush. When the attractive stranger started to hit the same spot over and over Yuuri started to see stars, his eyes rolling for a second before his orgasm showed on the sheets below him. He slowly came back from his high and to his horror felt the stranger’s cum inside him. He didn’t want to show that to him, he could deal with it later but it only served to make his disgust for himself even more prominent.

 

 

No more words were exchanged and there wasn’t much care to say anything afterwards. The stranger already seemed content with an arm around Yuuri loosely as not to completely ignore him but just enough to not feel too personal. They were still foreign to each other. They weren’t even acquaintances. Yuuri was tipsy enough to allow himself to pass out but not enough to stop thinking about his shame before he fell out of consciousness.

 

 

He didn’t know who he was anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I hurt Yuuri more ;-;


	5. Chapter 5

Yuuri didn’t talk to Phichit once he got back to the hotel room instead he jumped straight in the shower. He’d dreaded the fateful walk of shame all the way to the hotel and honestly, he didn’t expect his anxiety to creep up so fast on him. It felt like everybody knew. He knew that Viktor knew too and for some reason that hurt him the most. He certainly hadn’t moved on, he didn’t know what he was thinking, maybe it was the alcohol but something told him it was his stupidity. Phichit knew and while Yuuri felt ashamed he seemed to be completely fine with it. He said he was happy that Yuuri was safe and even jokingly congratulated him. He cringed at the word safe. How safe was he really? He didn’t even remember a condom in his drunken lusty haze.

 

  
“I’m going to take a shower.” He said as he took some clean clothes with him into the bathroom. He felt disgusted with himself when he cleaned himself. His body was covered in marks from the intimate session he had last night. If Viktor were to see him now he would surely find him appalling. There was a pause in his movements. There was no reason for him to think about Viktor’s opinion on him, if he did then it didn’t matter. It didn’t mean anything he tried to convince himself. All his life he cared about people’s opinions, his anxiety heightened whenever he thought that he was under pressure of watchful eyes. It didn’t help that people tended to point out his wider waistline growing up or his flaws while ice skating. His family was a big support for him and once upon a time, Viktor didn’t judge him too. At some point, he became his biggest reason to feel ashamed of himself, Viktor would tell it to him straight when he didn’t need it most.

 

  
“You’re getting fat again.” Viktor once told him. It was the day of their anniversary. He’d noticed it himself and wanted to lose weight for his skating career. That wasn’t the problem, the problem was when they had sex that night he couldn’t help but wonder if he was imagining somebody else instead or if Viktor was just pretending he was thinner. It didn’t help that he started to eat his favourite fattening meal more often to bring him some comfort. It was like he was at home again with his family where they didn’t care about his weight.

 

  
He wasn’t that fat anymore since he had to train for the skating season but now that he was retired and divorcing his husband he wondered if he’d turn to katsudon to help him through it. Yuuri shook himself from his thoughts. His body was cleaned of the stranger but he knew he certainly wasn’t metaphorically cleaned of him. When walked out he realised Phichit’s worry.

 

  
“You are okay, right?” Phichit asked. Yuuri sighed and chose not to answer. His silence was enough of a negative to Phichit. “Did he do anything to you? Anything you didn’t want?” Yuuri shook his head, he always assumed the worst-case scenario and his questions were in the dangerous territory of assault.

 

  
“No, nothing like that… Just… I might need a test or something,” Phichit’s eyebrows shot up. “Yeah, it’s as bad as it sounds, I know… I’m such an idiot.” Phichit shook his head.

 

  
“I’m sure it was just an honest mistake, you’ve been with Viktor for such a long time maybe you just got into a habit of not using anything.” Yuuri instantly disagreed. He’d started using protection with Viktor again because of his paranoia. As Viktor seemingly became less interested in Yuuri he started to suspect he could easily find somebody else to become intimate with. In hindsight, he realised how stupid it was to assume things without proper evidence and making their situation more distant than it was before. The more he thought about his role in the relationship the more he convinced himself it was his fault it ended so poorly.

 

  
“I knew better if I do have something I can’t really complain about it,” Phichit furrowed his eyebrows. “I know. I bet you’re going to teach me about self-respect or some crap ‘honest mistake’ or not,” Yuuri sniffled and wiped his eyes as he felt the tears pooling. “I don’t think I have any anymore. I don’t know what to do.”

 

  
“Come here,” Phichit sighed. It felt like he was at home again when Phichit wrapped his arms around him. “You might not be able to change anything but you can still be strong with what’s happened. We have to make do with what we’ve got.” Yuuri nodded.

 

  
“I’m sorry, I should really be stronger by now.” He’d finally realised what was happening around him. It was like he was finally lucid. He would have to make sure to thank everybody that has been helping him throughout his life. It just didn’t feel enough to give weak pieces of gratitude he’s given his family and friends over the years.

 

  
“You are strong, you just need to accept that you are.” Suddenly the tears were back. Yuuri hugged Phichit back in a tight grip like it was his goal to cut his air supply for a good minute. It was a perfect moment between them.

 

  
“Thank you, no wonder you’re my best friend.”

 

  
“Hey, I better be!” Phichit joked. “I don’t do this for no reason, Yuuri. I just want you to be happy. I think you’re just about one of the most miserable people I’ve ever met, you know that?”

 

  
“Viktor always told me I was so full of life, very happy too. Don’t tell me he lied, did he?” Phichit just shook his head.

 

  
“That’s only because you made him feel happy. He didn’t lie, he was just too blind to see it.”

 

  
“Ah… Do you think that maybe Viktor was miserable the whole time and I didn’t see it?” Phichit paused and stared at him. Yuuri stared back. It was like a lightbulb went off as he thought back on his relationship.

 

  
“Maybe... I think that everybody that has to give up their life to such a demanding sport is going to end up miserable.”

 

  
Happy seemed achievable enough with the support he had. When he thought about it, he had a lot of it too. He was so used to having problems that he was comfortable talking about them to those he trusted in the past. He wondered if Viktor could ever feel that comfortable. It worried him knowing that he was totally in his own mind stuck with only his thoughts and he knew how dangerous that was.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

All he wanted was another chance. After seeing Yuuri all over another man the chances were becoming slimmer and slimmer with each passing moment. The more Viktor thought about it the angrier he got. For years Yuuri had only been his to touch and in return, Viktor was only for Yuuri. It felt like Yuuri was breaking an unspoken promise to each other but Viktor knew that was unreasonable to assume Yuuri would for some reason become celibate just because they weren’t together anymore. It was also unreasonable that he should keep thinking that he could have a second chance. Now that he was out of a job and didn’t need to practice he just stayed in his hotel room until he had to get on a plane back to Russia where he can stay in his lonely house for the rest of his life. It didn’t sound like a desirable plan but it was seemingly all he had. He especially didn’t want to sign any papers that made it official. No more Yuuri to keep him company anymore, just a lonely washed out skater.

 

  
“Maybe I’m not supposed to be here if all of this is happening. Yuuri wouldn’t care.” Viktor lamented. He thought back to Yuuri telling him otherwise and a childish part of him told him that he was lying if he cared he would’ve stayed with him. It made him feel weak that he had to have his husband to keep him from having an existential crisis and without him, he was unsure of what he was going to do. There was no more control over himself.

 

  
Viktor patted down the space next to him for Makkachin to come to. He noticed how old his dog was getting and knew the inevitable would happen one day but for now, he would relish in the warmth his old friend brought. A part of him wondered what he would do without his dog. Who would be there for him to comfort him when he needed it, he had his friend Chris but he could never ask him to come to his home in St.Petersburg for him.

 

  
“Do you think I can be happy, Makkachin?” Of course, his dog just stared at him with dark button eyes hearing its name. “Let’s hope I’ll find it, I guess… I thought I already had but I guess I’m not done yet…” Viktor sighed. He was not by any means a happy teenager or young adult. He hadn’t been happy until he had met Yuuri. Maybe when he was a small boy but when he started to skate competitively he was under so much pressure and threw away his chances of a social life. It was probably why he felt a connection to Yuri, he felt like he had to look out for him. Yuri sacrificed just as much as he had at his age. Viktor could see a little part of himself in him, he hoped he didn’t feel what he did at his age. Hopefully, his friend would take care of him when he couldn’t, Yuri seemed to prefer the company another skater, Otabek Altin over an old man like him. His phone started to ring through the silence. Seeing Chris’ name made him answer straight away.

 

  
“Yes?”

 

  
“I just wanted to check on you. To see how you were doing.” Chris asked. Viktor wasn’t sure how to answer. He would be lying if he said he didn’t feel like crap but lying had always been easier than the truth.

 

  
“I’m fine.”

 

  
“You looked a little less than yourself at the banquet last night.” Christ brought up.

 

  
“Thank you for taking me back to my hotel after that by the way,” Viktor said. “I was just a little drunk that’s all. I haven’t got a very bad hangover if that’s what you wanted to know.”

 

  
“I know that Yuuri had to drag you back to your hotel, everybody does by now. Everybody is talking about it. Even Yuri was a little worried for you.” The thought of everybody thinking he was some burden on everybody. Thinking about Yuri being worried for him of all people was even worse. Maybe Yuuri was right, he should get help. He still didn’t want to go through such a long and painful process. Memories were horrible things and he could tell that in a few years’ time he would still remember the pain of losing Yuuri like it had just happened. He could remember certain things from his past the same way, it just continued to pile up.

 

  
“Is that all you wanted to say to me? I’ve talked to Yuuri about this already, I’m okay. I swear it’s like everybody won’t give me a break about a little indulgence.” Viktor snapped. Already he could hear Chris’ jargon about his suspicions. He wouldn’t be upfront about it at first but then he would suddenly be very clear about his motives. It was just the way Chris was. Yuri was very blunt about everything he said unless it was something personal and too emotional or embarrassing, then he’d act shy about everything. Yuuri used to be completely quiet about his real thoughts. Viktor didn’t even know he had opinions for a while before he started to become a little more outspoken and confident about himself. Now he could easily tell him how much of an idiot he was without a second thought about it. Everybody had their own way of telling those around them the things in their mind, Viktor just said it, no matter what the consequences were. About himself? He wouldn’t tell anybody about himself. He didn’t tell Yuuri so he wouldn’t tell anybody.

 

  
“You don’t see it, do you? I don’t want you to just disappear now that you’re retired. You still have a life to live. You can do anything you want now.” He didn’t want to do anything he wanted, not without Yuuri. What was the point? If he couldn’t spend his life with him he didn’t see the point in doing anything.

 

  
“I don’t want to talk about this.”

 

  
“ _No_! You don’t want to _listen_ to this!” He was right. Now he had an easier way to escape the conversation than running away like he so desperately wanted to do when Yuuri started talking to him. Viktor sighed. He didn’t want to hang up on his friend straight away though.

 

  
“Well, I can’t. I’ve got something to do believe it or not and I can’t miss it.”

 

  
“Oh really? What might that be?” Chris humoured. He saw through the lie straight away. Viktor saw no reason to continue the weak lie so he just hung up instead. He tried. Even if it was just for a second. It reminded him of how he acted whenever he wanted to fix himself. It never worked whenever he made stupid little promises to himself. It had to be done by force and it rarely ever meant Viktor agreed to it. He hated his own husband for too long because of it, he ended up deeply regretting it afterwards when he finally understood how horrible it must be to deal with him whenever he drank too much.

 

  
He wondered if he just didn’t surround himself with people he would be allowed to do what made him feel most comfortable alone. It could work. At first, it would be difficult with people asking questions but eventually, people would forget all about Viktor Nikiforov. Maybe Yuri was right about him, Viktor Nikiforov was dead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is shorter than usual ;w;  
> <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted some more Viktor backstory before the next chapter <3  
> (this is also kinda a shorter chapter sorry pfft <3 )
> 
> UPDATE: THIS HAS BEEN UPDATED AFTER THE FIRST LINE BREAK

 

 

Yuuri dreaded the fact he was getting on a plane to Russia. The same plane Viktor was also on. Unfortunately, it was already predetermined they would sit next to each other on the plane ride home, they hadn’t expected to have such an explosive fight. It was a second of eye contact before they returned to looking at their phones. He hated the atmosphere after that moment. It was as if being in a busy airport before being stuffed into a plane full of strangers wasn't enough suffering. He saw all the other Russian skaters waiting for the same flight, it was a stop to Moscow before St.Petersburg so he could hear chatter in Russian everywhere around him, he had to remind himself he was in Spain there was so much talking in the familiar language.

 

 

When they boarded, it was hours of painfully awkward silence between them. He got the window seat so he could at least distract himself by looking out the window to pretend that Viktor wasn’t sitting next to him. Every flight they took together usually mean that they could lean on each other when they were tired or when Yuuri became a little nervous during turbulence or when the plane was landing they held hands, sometimes none of that had to happen for them to be affectionate. Now he would have to sit and bite his nails and tap his foot nervously. He hated flying for too long. He watched too many plane crash investigation shows to not feel perfectly fine while being so high off the ground.

 

 

Once he got on the plane to St.Petersburg he felt more at ease. All he had to do next was stay at the hotel for a night before he got a plane back to Japan. Of course, it would get complicated once they officially got a divorce but for now that would have to wait. They weren’t legally married in Russia or Japan so it would be impossible to get a divorce for a marriage that didn’t exist. It was annoying but at least he could get away from him. At the same time, he was scared that he wouldn’t be around Viktor anymore. The only person that would check on him without him asking would be Yuri but he seemed rather interested in moving to Kazakhstan with Otabek. If that were the case he would have to ask Mila or Georgi, maybe even Yakov or Lilia but he wouldn’t want to bother them, they were getting older and didn’t need to be dealing with Viktor’s habits. For some reason, he just didn’t trust other people to be looking out for Viktor, he knew Viktor like the back of his hand and he’d seen him at his lowest points.

 

 

He was scared. Terrified of the possibilities. It was too risky to allow him to be by himself but at the same time, he chose that, it made him feel selfish. Just because he couldn’t handle anything anymore didn’t mean that he had to leave. He should’ve stayed, even if he didn’t love him he could still stay just to show he cared because now Viktor just couldn’t see it. If he had stayed perhaps it would’ve been easier. He had to reason with himself that if Viktor and he were to stay together it could’ve escalated into something worse. At least they hadn’t ended it in a way where it was impossible for him to be in contact with Viktor, even it was unstable and still a little too fresh. He worried for his ex-husband. There was a dark part of his mind playing out his worst nightmares.

 

 

A large chunk of his life was dedicated to the legendary Viktor Nikiforov, knowing it or not he aspired to achieve what he had, even if it was virtually impossible. He inspired him, he gave him a reason to skate his heart out even when he thought he should just stop his dreams. Eventually, he married him and his love for the real man behind the legend grew. All his flaws came to light and the perfect image of his childhood crush became a lot less shiny but that didn’t matter. It humanised him, he loved him even more than when he was a kid with a dream. Unfortunately, there was a fine line between humanising and destructive. Viktor never directly told him anything that had happened in the past but there were a few little hints he’d dropped. Depressed was an understatement when he got like that he tended to get defensive and refused any help. He had wondered why he had never met Viktor’s parents before but he chose not to ask questions in fear he would hit a touchy subject. At their wedding, he didn’t have any family show up but at least he had friends that filled that place for him.

 

 

From what he knew his relationship with his parents had been cut off for some reason. He could only guess a part of it was to do with his orientation from what slipped from Viktor. He could recall the time it had come out but it was brief. It was confronting and it was scary to think that maybe if the past had happened differently Viktor wouldn’t’ve had the chance to create the life he had. It could’ve easily just slipped away because of a closed set of minds. It gave him sick feelings the first time he’ heard it. His father had tried to shoot him dead but he had convinced him that he wouldn’t come back, so he left and did just that. From there he didn’t know what lead him to the life he had now. It did give him a reason to keep a watchful eye on Viktor, perhaps it was a little too overbearing of him but he consistently checked on him to see how he was. Often, he’d catch him with a drink too early in the morning in a thoughtful silence. It certainly strained their relationship feeling like he had to walk on eggshells just to comfort his husband, his husband that didn’t _accept_ comfort.

  

 

* * *

 

 

 

Viktor ran a hand through his silver locks. There wasn’t much there to run through ever since he cut the hair off a few days ago. It was a matter of necessity since he would rather have shorter hair than have it be an easy target to pull on. It still wasn’t nice to see most of the hair he so lovingly cared for on the bathroom floor of the bleak apartment his family lived in. In a city of palaces, he felt lower than dirt, his skating career seemed to be leading him nowhere even with the money he brought in. It was still cold in winter and they still lived off cabbage and potatoes. He was sure that if he had just moved far away he would lead a better life than with the people leaching from him who he was supposed to call his family. He supposed his mother was fine, she barely talked to him anymore more out of lack of care than anything else. Ever since the incident with his father one night she acted like he was a disease. She probably thought that he had one when he thought about it, it wouldn’t be a surprise.

 

 

It was incredibly lonely. A leg dangled off the window sill which should’ve been a concern. They lived on one of the higher levels of the apartment complex but falling was the least of his worries. He wanted out of this room, this apartment with strangers who hated him now. So easy to drop him once they realised what was so wrong with him. He really did need friends but he barely had any with the amount of travelling he did, his friends were the people he saw at competitions every so often, it made him incredibly lonely sometimes. They didn’t have much time to be around each other so he didn’t know what to call them since that barely ever happened. He had rink mates but that was more about him being Viktor Nikiforov, rising figure skating legend, pride and joy of Russia’s figure skating team. He wondered if anybody would care if his hair was suddenly gone, probably too much when he thought about it. He guessed a new image could be excusable and hopefully welcomed, maybe his father would think he looked less like a fairy and more like a respectable young man.

 

 

What did he care about his old man anyways? He cut his hair not to please him but to fight him off easier. Loving sons don’t try to avoid their parents so hard, he wasn’t a moody kid, just a scared one. What kind of son was he fearing his own father? Not a very good one but he couldn’t find it in him to care, that man could die tomorrow and he wouldn’t shed a tear for the torment he’s faced for so long over a stupid boy that fulfilled his disgusting desires. Albeit, those disgusting desires were quite pleasurable and he couldn’t help but want it over and over the more his family detested his less than favourable desire for other males. There weren’t many like him around which he wasn’t sure was a positive or negative. While it was good to keep him out of getting in trouble he didn’t like being so repressed.

 

 

His icy gaze stared down at the snow below him. Several stories below him. Such a long fall. He didn’t know why he was noting this but if worse were to become even worse he could always just end it quicker than his father would let him. It was strangely comforting but too morbid to dwell on. He promised to leave that thought for this moment only and never revisit it again as he left his place on the window sill in favour for grabbing his skating gear and heading down to the rink for practice. Whenever he was bored, angry, depressed or ever other emotion and had extra time on hand he would go down there. It was a safe haven for him and he felt passionate for skating because of it. He could be whatever he wanted on the ice and people loved him for it. He supposed the support is what kept him going the most. He’s received fan letters in every language imaginable by now, not that he could read most of them but to have those little gifts of love was more than his parents had been giving him for the past few years.

 

 

“Come on, Makkachin!” He called. Almost instantly the toy poodle ran to his side. Who was he to complain about being alone when he had such a carefree dog by his side. Makkachin was practically his family, after all the dog had acted more loving to him than anybody nowadays. Makkachin listened to his lamenting and didn’t seem to care which was just what he needed sometimes. He didn’t nearly thank his coach enough for the thoughtful gift. A puppy seemed like a cliché gift to give a sad kid like him but some days Makkachin was a life saver just by being there, puppies were cute after all and Makkachin was the cutest damn animal Viktor has the honour to own. Thanks to Yakov, of course.

 

 

“Remind me to thank him next time I see him, okay?” His hand wandered to scratch behind his dog’s fluffy ear.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

His mind wasn't dark enough to think of jumping out an open window anytime soon. There were still things he had to live for. He had his dog, Makkachin. He had Yakov to repay for his kindness, no matter how unkind he appeared, he had saved him from crippling loneliness for a period afterall, no matter how indirect. There was Yuri he had to look out for however that job seemed to be taken up by his boyfriend. Makkachin was getting old too eventually his dear friend would leave him too. There wasn't much he could do to repay Yakov, not enough anyways. He still had money, he could give him that. There wasn't too much he could do for Yuuri too. He had to deal with so much of his bullshit over the years and he was truly sorry.

 

 

"Am I being too mopey?" He asked his dog. All he got as a reply was a tail wag and dark eyes staring up at him. "I bet you want to go outside sometime soon. I'm such a bad owner." At the prospect of going outside Makkachin's tail thumped against the couch harder and faster. Viktor supposed it would be a good idea to take a walk, ever since Yuuri left for Japan about a month ago he had stayed in his apartment for most of the time, only going out once for groceries. Eventually, his money would probably run dry, he might have it now but that didn't mean that his spending would catch up to him, his bills would be a nightmare if he didn't have any money.

 

 

"You want to go for a walk?" Makkachin hopped off the couch and excitedly ran around the house only to return to Viktor. "You have a lot of energy for an old dog, more energy than I do anymore that's for sure." He laughed. It was the first time he'd done that in a long time, it almost felt unnatural to do now.

 

 

"What would I do without you?"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to appreciate all of you still reading this, thank you so very much ! ! <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gee no excuse why this is so late, I am sorry!  
> <3

It was like watching his parents fighting. It felt so surreal. Their relationship seemed so disgustingly perfect not so long ago and now they were announcing their divorce. Yuri needed answers that he didn’t get. He was how the couple had distanced considerably over the many months that had passed but he thought it was just a rough patch that would go away after some gross public displays of affection.

 

 

 Otabek had listened to him as he rambled on about how shocking this all was to him, he hated how quickly everything was changing and now he wasn’t sure if he could go through anything more. Just a few moments ago he was stressing about leaving his home country in favor for his, dare he say that embarrassing new word, boyfriend’s home. Now he didn’t even want to think about moving anymore. He didn’t want to go through two major life-changing events at the same time. It was heartbreaking to tell that to his boyfriend but he understood. Otabek seemed to understand too much, it didn’t seem genuine but he held his thoughts to himself. Yuri wasn’t sure how to feel about everything but he hated how Viktor acted lately. He acted half dead and half breathing. Yuuri didn’t have a warming aura anymore, now it was just cold. It didn’t suit them. It was all enough to give the headstrong Yuri Plisetsky crippling depression just by being in the same room as the two.

 

 

“This was all that idiot’s fault, now I’m going to have to go over there to kick his ass.” Yuri seethed. In reality, he knew that Viktor was suffering just as much as Yuuri but he couldn’t help but think Viktor had caused everything, he had to blame somebody.

 

 

“Think before you act,” Otabek commented on the screen. He had that disapproving gaze that Yuri hated to admit usually was warranted, sometimes Yuri got a little too ahead of himself. Perhaps a little too often.

 

 

“I am thinking and right now I am thinking that Viktor deserves my foot up his ass. I need answers and no pussyfooting around about it, I want to know everything. They’ll get back together and be gross again whether they like it or not. I don’t care how.” Yuri explained. It wasn’t likely he would singlehandedly save a marriage but he wanted to at least know why. Why did this happen? Why was it that they became so depressing? He hated to be in the dark about things and he needed to know as soon as he could why this was the option they chose.

 

 

“Don’t be too hard on him, you saw him too.” Yuri knew he was right. Otabek was always right goddamn it. He shouldn’t be hard on the old man.

 

 

“I need to blame somebody. I can’t imagine Yuuri doing something stupid like Viktor always does mind you.” Yuri reasoned. Otabek hummed. It was something he did when he didn’t agree but didn’t want to make it too obvious, except it was always painfully obvious and obnoxious.

 

 

“Just tell me what it is damn it.” Yuri sighed.

 

 

“Have you ever considered that they’re both at fault? It is a divorce, after all, they both had to of contributed.”

 

 

“I guess. Look, I’m not ready to just… Accept it. I’m sure this is just a rough patch they’re going through. They’ll get over this, they have to.”

 

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to come here with me so they can sort it out themselves? You seem sure they’ll fix this.”

 

 

“Pft, you worried? I can’t just leave Viktor. As much as I hate him I don’t want him to do something stupid without thinking if things were to get worse.” Yuri huffed. As much as he hated him right now he still couldn’t leave him at such a dire time. Viktor did the same thing to Yakov when he went to Japan, such a long marriage was ended and selfish Viktor went to chase a pig in a little speck on the map called Hasetsu. Yuri wouldn’t do that, he was better than Viktor not only on the ice but off the ice too.

 

 

“I understand,” Otabek said with a bit of disappointment in his voice. Yuri was disappointed too. They had been making plans for ages, even before they went official just because they were so close. Otabek talked of his family and how they were welcoming and just as excited as Otabek was to see him. He worried for his grandfather often but he insisted that Yuri stopped worrying so much since he knew he would visit as often as he could. As much as he told him he didn’t need to Yuri still wanted to support his grandfather abroad, sending him a portion of what he earned every so often. Now he couldn’t do any of that. He had to stay. All the long talks and the plans they made had to be put on hold.

 

 

“I’m going to Viktor’s,” Yuri decided. “I’m going to have a long talk with him.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Open up old man! My balls are freezing over!” Yuri could hear Makkachin barking as he banged on the door. It took too long for Viktor to finally open the door. It was a surprise that he even opened to door with how he looked. This didn’t seem like the vain Viktor Nikiforov he knew, bags under his eyes and all.

 

 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Yuri asked. It was all he could think of at the moment. It was a stupid question; a lot was probably wrong with him right now.

 

 

“What are you doing here?” Viktor asked coldly. Yuri could tell he didn’t want to be here as much as Yuri did. If this whole thing could’ve been avoided he would’ve preferred that but what happened had happened and now he had to pick up the pieces, or well, he didn’t need to but he wanted to. This was his family he was watching fall apart. This stable part of his life that had so easily been thrown away. He was so deep in his thoughts but he could still notice something off about Viktor.

 

 

“Jesus, how can you even stand yourself? You smell like a brothel.” Yuri made his way into the house uninvited. He didn’t need an invite for what he wanted to do. It was a right.

 

 

“I’d never do that to Yuuri, you know that.” Viktor defended. Yuri furrowed his eyebrows. It was like he didn’t want to betray Yuuri even if there was nothing to dishonor.

 

 

“Of course, you wouldn’t move on so fast you sentimental asshole, it was just a comparison. You smell like shit; does that spell it out?” Viktor didn’t like that and it was all over his face but he didn’t speak. “Will you even remember this conversation tomorrow? Is this why Yuuri left you?” Yuri picked up an empty bottle of whisky. Everything over a few bottles, was that it?

 

 

“What are you doing here?” Viktor asked again with irritation in his voice.

 

 

“I’m getting answers. You seriously don’t think that I’m going to let this whole thing slide, right? I’m not leaving Russia until you get your head out of your ass and get that pig to forgive you.” Viktor shook his head.

 

 

“You don’t get it, it’s over. Yuuri told me so,” Viktor sighed. “All we would do is fight, there was nothing good about our marriage after a while. It’s for the better.”

 

 

“Do you even hear yourself, Viktor?! You wouldn’t give up so easily, you’re supposed to fight for this to work!” Yuri exclaimed. He was getting too emotional. It wasn’t supposed to be so emotional.

 

 

“You think I haven’t fought? You think I haven’t tried? I’m tired. Let me rest.” Viktor was getting close to breaking down. Either out of sadness or anger that Yuri was intruding so suddenly. Yuri looked around the apartment with disapproval. It wasn’t the bright airy place it once was, not it felt like he was suffocating under the smell of alcohol and the darkness. It was too dark in here to be the same place. Yuri went over to the window to pull back the curtains.

 

 

“You two need each other. It’s all I can think of when I think of either of you. It’s never been one, it’s always been a pair. I can’t even remember when you weren’t together apart from recently when you aren’t together it’s just depressing or off-putting.” Yuri sighed for about the hundredth time that day. It was exhausting to think about. He can understand now why Viktor gave up if he was already tired from this conversation.

 

 

“It’s different now. I don’t know how to deal with it,” Yuri furrowed his eyebrows. “I can’t think of a future without both of you together. I don’t want to travel to more than one place just to see both of you too, selfish bastard…” Yuri looked over to Viktor’s solemn face. “It was a joke. I’m sorry.”

 

 

“It’s fine. I can’t think of a future without Yuuri being with me too.” Viktor almost sobbed. It was as if one more word would cause a breakdown. This was harder than he thought. He came here wanting answers and now he was having to play therapy session. Everything really was broken now. Yuri even found himself feeling broken himself, he wished that Otabek could be with him to tell him what to do because he was clueless on how to deal with this side of Viktor he’s never seen before.

 

 

“You still love him, don’t you?” Viktor nodded. “Do you think he still… Feels something? Feels something for you?” Viktor shrugged and then tightened his jaw.

 

 

“Ask him yourself if you’re so curious.” Yuri noticed the aggression showing. Two aggressive people in one room were not what he wanted in that moment. He was too tired.

 

 

“Listen here, asshole, I’m watching two people I actually give a damn about leaving each other and it’s depressing. Think about what you’re doing right now because it doesn’t look like you’re doing anything to sort yourself out. Even if you never get back together at least stop acting so pitiful!” Yuri exclaimed.

 

 

“You’re a little sad that you have to watch this happen? Imagine going through it! I don’t need you to tell me what I already know now get out of here before I call the police!” Viktor shouted. It was a surprise, to say the least. A little hurtful too.

 

 

“The police? I know you exaggerate but really?”

 

 

“Yes, the police, so far you’ve come into my home uninvited and thought it was appropriate to treat me like shit. Get out.” Viktor said with a red, tear-stained face. Yuri shook his head.

 

“I can’t believe you right now. Fine, I’ll leave. I’ll be back though, don’t think you’re getting rid of me that easily.” Viktor didn’t respond to that. It almost hit a nerve in Yuri that he didn’t get a reaction. It felt too cold. He didn’t even escort him out, he just sat down and watched as he closed the door himself. There was no care there. It had to be somewhere but from what he saw Viktor didn’t want to show it, maybe he forgot he even had it. Yuri felt tears prick his eyes which he quickly wiped away. He wasn’t going to cry, it was weak, he wasn’t about to give up like everybody else seemed to.

 

 

“This is the right thing to do, it’s what Viktor would hopefully do for me too… Goddamn is it frustrating though.” Yuri huffed


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very, very short chapter ;w;

Yuri stayed with Viktor, visiting him every day after training. Ever since he was out of competition he didn’t feel motivated enough to really try but he at least made an appearance. The depressed state Viktor was in was piling pressure onto Yuri every time he saw him. It would always make Viktor so pissed off at him that he kept coming back. He didn’t want Yuri, he wanted his Yuuri back.

 

“Viktor.”

 

“Yes, Yuri?”

 

“Don’t do anything stupid. I’m going away for a while, in a few hours.” Yuri told him. Viktor sat straighter and gripped his glass tighter.

 

“So, I’ll be here alone?”

 

“Why? You actually like my company now?” Yuri quipped. “Don’t worry you idiot, I’m doing this for you.”

 

“Where are you going?” Viktor asked as Yuri got up from his spot on the couch.

 

“If I told you then you would tell me I was stupid but I don’t know what else to do. It’s been months, Viktor,” Viktor sighed and slammed his drink back. “You’re dying.”

 

“No, Makkachin is dying,” Yuri looked straight to the old dog lying next to Viktor’s chair. “Has to be put down… In a few weeks I’ll be lonely. It’s a terrible thing to be lonely. I’ve been alone before but lonely is a different meaning…” Viktor trailed off. “I haven’t been lonely since… Since…”

 

“I have to go…”

 

“Ah, I’m sorry. I tend to go on and on!” Viktor laughed. “Yuuri used to tell me I would talk in my sleep, even in my dreams I don’t stop rambling!” Viktor slammed his glass on the side table. “And then sometimes, I talk too much. I tell him that he’s running around on me and then to make myself feel better call him a pig... I tell him what I think about him and never tell him what I think about myself-”

 

“Viktor!” Yuri exclaimed. “… I’m going. I’m going to Hasetsu. I’m seeing Yuuri.” Viktor stared at Yuri from across the room.

 

“I see… Well, go on. I won’t stop you.”

 

“You’ll be okay soon, just wait. Don’t do anything stupid.” Yuri almost regretted leaving. He knew that he wasn’t abandoning him but Viktor probably thought the worst of Yuri in his mind state. He probably assumed he would just go to Yuuri and take sides. Yuri didn’t have a side like many others seemed to be doing online. Even if the divorce papers were filed and it was technically over, people kept speculating. They made up lies about Viktor and Yuuri. Some said that Viktor was cheating on Yuuri the whole time. Yuri couldn’t for sure say that wasn’t the case but he highly doubted that. He loved Yuuri as much as he did wrong by him, he didn’t want anybody else. Some people said that Yuuri was the one having affairs. Once again, Yuri didn’t know but he couldn’t see Yuuri doing that. He refused to believe that about Yuuri. Yuri knew that they loved each other, even after the divorce and the fights. There was nobody else for them but each other.

 

Yuri just had to find a way to fix everything.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment your thoughts on this story or any suggestions you may have about my writing/the story! <3


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